My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
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My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
“Great, now I have to pee.”
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla