My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
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Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
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Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
yes… yes…
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[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.