My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
