My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I’m not sorry.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
