my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
