my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
