my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I’m not proud
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
