My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
You Might Also Like
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Just this preview of the story is enough
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
plums roundup
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.