My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
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saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
me: you were supposed to draw me one shape and divide it into equal shares….I see 5 cookies and…what are these?
student: dragons
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”