My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
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The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night