Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days