My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
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me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!