Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “keith@fbi.gov”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.

8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.