My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
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Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius