My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
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20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.