Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

I ate everything, including the H.

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.