My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
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Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Old old old old old west
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.