My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
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I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
no such thing as a dumb question
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Mountain Goat : )
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.