My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
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I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
never compromise your values
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
🐟✨ #re4
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.