My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
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I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
The 6 types of sex
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on