Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

#have a #great #PancakeDay

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!

Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker