My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
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people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.