Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing