Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

If Amazon had a dating app:

You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in

Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.