Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me

“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

Is this anything

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”

the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*