my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
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sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Yep.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
…..pretty much.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]