My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
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Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything