Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.