Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

i baked you a cake

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade