Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

ㅤ

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”

😭😭😭😭

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.