My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
You Might Also Like
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.