so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
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*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.