My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
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Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Stop sending me this shit.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.