My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
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2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
wife: what are you thinking about
guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
This raises questions
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?