My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
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A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog: