Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”

It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:

1. A gas pedal

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

The devil.

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.