My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
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The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.