Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

My daughter keeps ending up with glitter all over her face and she doesn’t know where its coming from. I keep asking her if she’s turned into a vampire and she doesn’t understand and it’s giving me life 😂

gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start

Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it

My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.

If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.