Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

Teacher: define “impossible”

Me: no can do

Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?

Me: doubt it

Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?

Me: I have no idea

Teacher: amazing

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life

iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

🤣

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van