My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
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BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes