Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

*has no idea what a book even is*

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire