my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
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I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.