My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
You Might Also Like
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
No one can handle that
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!