My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
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kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.