My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
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You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Same post same
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer