My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
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Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Please do it!
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER