My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
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GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
me: i can handle my alcohol
5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.