My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
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Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.