My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
You Might Also Like
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
When you let grandma cat sit
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.