“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
You Might Also Like
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.