Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

date: what’s your dream job?

me: designing food stats for RPGs

date: umm ok… *sips water*

me: [under breath] -2 thirst

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND