My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
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My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard