My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
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Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
That’s incredible! 👌
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant