My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
You Might Also Like
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
spot the difference
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.