My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

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[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap


Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.


Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat


Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.


Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.


I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.


[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what


I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.


White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it



Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.