My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

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Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.


The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.


You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.


Interviewer: what qualifies you to be an Uber driver?

*Candidate tells rambling 5 hour story*

Interviewer: you’re just what we need


Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.


When I go to a restaurant, I stare at the menu for 10 minutes, and then order the exact same thing I did the last 20 times I’ve been there.


In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.


6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.

Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*