My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
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May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you