My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
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This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution