Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

So, can we agree on 4 or