Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

me: we need to go to the ATM machine

thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot

me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine

On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.

Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.

Wolves should really raise more people.

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*

Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?

WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.