Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me

me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon

w: I despise you

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe