@BigTucsonDad

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

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@skedaddle74

You know in my forty something years I’ve learned a few things

1. Never look a llama in the eye while laughing

2. Always put on clean underwear before going out

3. Never snort black pepper

4. Always be kind

@Jake_Vig

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

@amishschool

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

@Eden_Eats

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

@ryanbroems

*leaves church*

*sees McChicken video*

*goes back to church*

@omgthatspunny

Susan broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

@Thee1_4U

Having kids isn’t that bad, just don’t have like the really young ones.

@TheToddWilliams

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit