My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
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Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?