My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
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They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try