My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
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My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.