My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
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some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I have many caverns
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.