My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
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I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻
Category: Sharks of the Sea
This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology