Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

😂

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

Domino’s: FREE PIZZA

Me: sweet finally

Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????

Me: uh what happened to free?

Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE

Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?

Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…