My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
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I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here