My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
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Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
notice
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.