My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
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“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
584.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.