My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
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Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I never needed anything more in my life
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.