My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
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8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Wake me when AI does housework
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Is fake venison called venisn’t
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?